The Chair

This is evidence of me and 'Newfie Kevin,' my neighbour, putting a chair together yesterday. One question, "why were we left unsupervised?'

Wicker Chairs and Levitation

So I have these wicker comfy rocker chairs for my balcony. For months they've been wasting away in the garage downstairs. When I moved in, I couldn't make them fit thru my balcony door, so I put them outta sight. Outta sight outta mind you know. Anyhoo, they're now on the balcony. It seems though that the building, and all the pals that I have sent the pic to, wonder and ask "how the hell did you get those up there man?"

In response, I say

I took the rocker part off. I lost 2 screws under the freakin couch. I found 50 cents while trying to find the screws. I tried to fit the chair through the door. The door is on to me. It jams. I take the rocker part off of the other wicker awesome comfy chair. I try to fit it through the STUPID TOO SKINNY DOOR. It doesn't fit.

I remember the movie " Men Who Stare At Goats"

I stare.

I stare and I stare. I start to chant.

I stare and I chant.

I levitate.

I stare, and chant, and levitate.

The chairs are outside.

Thanks to all of your energy.

love

Daily Reason to be Grateful and Get over Yourself

Today's reason to be grateful:

You weren't born with your eyes so far apart that even your friends call you fishy, or make horse noises upon your arrival.

Flushing the Cat

The first joke I ever heard Ellen Degeneres say was

My cat scratched me today.

She hates getting her ears pierced.

So recently I had the absolutely absurd experience of flushing the cat down the toilet. Of course he didn't go all the way down, he's too big silly. This would seem a difficult thing to accomplish, but it was surprisingly easy.

My boy cat, Thomas, or boy usually, will only drink water from the bathroom tap. No dish or cup or silver saucer will tempt him. What this means to me is that EVERY time I am in the washroom, so is boy to beg for a drink. After all, he's not sure when I'll go to the bathroom again. He has a terrible memory, he's paranoid and he's incredibly vocal.

He's also a bit audibly and visually impaired when it comes to drinking the water. It's baffling since he can hear a tuna can openning from down the street but can't hear the water beside his ear. So the exchange between him and I, goes a little something like this:

Meow

It's on

Meow

It's on

Meeeoooowww

It's on moron

Meeoooowwwww

Then I push his little butt so the water hits his face

MEOW. Why'd you get me wet??

He then finally drinks but all the while has a keen eye on me in the case I might suddenly attack him while he's vulnerable. I've never attacked him before, but I guess you just never know.

On the day of the flushing, Tom was being particularly obnoxious. I had been cleaning the apt and therefore, in and out of the washroom. He was in there each and every time doing the same routine. Two short minutes after he had already satisfied his thirst, I had to pee. On the phone with my pal, I kept on with my conversation in the Lou. Tom began his pleas for H2O. I equate his requests to the "mom, mom, mom, mom" of a young child insensitive to whatever may be taking their mother's attention. And as a mother worn down but still unaffected by this tenacity, I too was able to ignore him.

I was also able to ignore Tom when he decided to take matters into his own paws, and find his own way to the sink. This was in lieu of waiting for me to lift him up.

Tom saw his opportunity. He managed to work his body behind me on the toilet seat, and was going to proceed to the sink. I, of course, was still concentrating on my phone call and not on Tom. Long story short, I got up, I flushed and I felt a searing pain in the back of my calf. With pants around my ankles and still on the phone I turn around in time to catch the funniest, and cruelest glimpse of poor Tom's little butt and tail, going with the flow of water, around and around and around the bowl. His head was that of a ballet dancer, holding it's position until the last moment and then turning to catch up to his body. Hilarious!!

After much laughter, assistance, water splashing and blue toilet water, Tom managed to fling himself from the clutches of death to the bathroom floor.

The remaining dilemma's:

1. How do I talk him into a bath now that he's traumatized and full o blue toilet water?

2. How do I ever get Tom to stop giving me the 'dirt eye'?

The other funny part of this scenario is that Tom isn't even my cat. I've been parenting him since his owner started home reno's. After the 'incident', the text message to his owner read, "Come get Tom. He's not safe here."

Disclaimer for the SPCA... "It was a genuine accident. The toilet seat is down at this very moment."

Fart Machines

Hi Kids!!

Given that next week is Mother's Day, the first insert comes courtesy of my ma. Also a funny lady, afterall, I am who I am because I came from her. Thanks ma for this one.

So the awesome Dollarama store has this most wonderful little fart machine. Honestly hours of endless laughter for only a buck. I know what you're thinking, I can't believe she going to start this off with fart humour. This one is worth a read though.

So everytime I'm in the toy section of Dollarama (more that you think), I am compelled to purchase 5 to 10 of these little cylindrical containers of goo. How they work... basically it's just a tin of goo in florescent colours; green is my favorite. You open the lid and insert one or two fingers into the goo. The air pockets created by this movement slap against the goo to create the most believable, loud and totally real sounding fart noises.

I buy several fart machines because everytime that I show someone one of these, their reaction is that of a child finding Easter eggs. Coy little laughter and an inability to stop putting their fingers in and out of the toy. In these instances I feel it only right to let them have the toy. Besides I don't where their fingers have been. I prefer to keep my goo germ free or at least limit it to my own germs.

Being of the same taste in humour, my ma took her toy's potential to a whole new level. She decided to keep hers by the phone. Conveniently a telemarketer calls. Opposite to normal, my ma agrees to the survey of the day.

Hello Mrs Ryerse

Would like to complete a survey on your cable service provider?

Sure

Okay then we'll begin

faarrrtttt

Ahem, are you still there Mrs Ryerse?

Oh yes. Faaarrrttt. Ohh.

Ok then , uh how satisfied are you with your cable service provider?

faaarrrtt

Uh unsatisfied, satisfied, extremely satisfied?

faaarrrrtttt. Satisfied.

Uh huh. I see. Giggle

Faaarrrttt. Ow. Oh geez

Mrs Ryerse are you ok?

Why yes fffaaaaarrrrrttttt. Uh oh.

Mrs Ryerse do you need some time?

No dear why? faaarrrrrrttt

Mrs Ryerse Im going to call you back at another time.

Ok dear ffaaaaarrrrrttt Call again, faarrt, anytime. faaarrrt

No jokes here kids. This is the best use for the fart machine that I've encountered. The challenge put forth. Can you do better? Please submit your fart machine stories and the best ones will be posted for the world to appreciate your creativity.

My own fart machine incident. It's super fun to go behind the Santa at the mall with your fart machine. Santa can't get up and kick your ass, and kids love farts. Try it on a dull December day.

I look forward to your stories.

ciao for today kids